Why You Haven't Met "The One"
Problem: You don't think this person has long-term potential
Solution: Try the "Carpe date-'em" trick
We single people are so afraid of "settling" that we can't help looking ahead to the
future in the first few minutes on a date. In the movie
Something's Gotta Give, Jack
Nicholson asks Diane Keaton if she wants to go for a walk along the beach. She stammers
and wavers until finally he says, "It's just a walk, not a marriage proposal!" Try to
think of your dates the same way. It's not a long-term commitment... it's a latte. Take it
one step at a time.
You know that saying "carpe diem" - in Latin, it means seize the day? Instead of carpe
diem, carpe date-'em! Go on a date for what it is, and don't start obsessing about whether
this person wants the same number of kids as you do. Going slow is fine.
Problem: Your date looks great on paper... but that's it
Solution: Pay attention to how you're feeling vs. your date's resumé
So this person has a ton of wonderful qualities. That's fine, for a start. But amazing
chemistry isn't just about finding someone you admire or think would be a great life
partner. It's about how you feel when you're with that person. For instance, if the date
you had last night was friendly and gregarious, but you felt more meek or quiet than usual
in his or her shadow, that doesn't make for strong chemistry. "You want to really feel
like yourself - your happiest, most excited self," explains Rhonda Findling, author of The
Dating Cure. So on your next rendezvous, don't merely ask, "Do I like this person?" Also
ask yourself, "Do I like myself when I'm around this person?" And with an attitude like
that, you just may recognize something brilliant very soon.
Problem: You aren't feeling instant sparks
Solution: Forget romance for a sec and use the "friend" filter
When we go on a date, we're usually looking for some hit-us-over-the-head romantic
chemistry, and when we don't feel it, we think the date is a waste of time. But that's not
true! "If you have a strong negative reaction to someone you meet, that's one thing, but a
neutral or unsure reaction to a person can turn into chemistry down the line - and those
who shut the door right away won't get to find that out," says Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D.,
author of the Boomer's Guide to Dating (Again) and creator of
Wakingdesire.com.
So how can you be sure you're open to later-blooming chemistry? Simple: Instead of using
the "romance" filter that measures that love-at-first-sight chemistry, use the "friend"
filter on your next date. Think about it: When you talk to a new person at a party, you
don't use cocktail conversation to search out what the two of you don't have in common;
you look for the things you do have in common. Try doing that on your next date. Instead
of casting off your date too quickly (as in "Oh, he's not into music," or "Oh, she's far
too quiet compared to me"), hone in on whether you both love Frasier reruns, have similar
views on immigration, or can't stand cheese plates.
"The pursuit of friendship takes the pressure off by making the goal of the date learning
about the person," says Dr. Helgoe. Which, let's be honest, is what a first date should be
anyway. Because the more common ground you discover, the more likely chemistry can develop
later.
